


too much

by got2ghost



Category: One Direction (Band), Shawn Mendes (Musician)
Genre: Anal Sex, Anxiety, Bottom Shawn Mendes, Catholic Guilt, First Time, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Top Niall Horan, but very mild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 12:29:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21179444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/got2ghost/pseuds/got2ghost
Summary: it takes ten long deep breaths, nerves shaking in his fingertips as he walks across the room; he’s been watching niall talk and laugh to the crowd, a beer in his hand and the other stuffed into his trouser pocket. ten more deep breaths to open his mouth to say, “uh hi. i’m shawn.”all charm out the window.





	too much

**Author's Note:**

> this was something i wrote for a good friend of mine, liv!

he can be charming. god, yeah he can. he can be good and smile just right, make his dimples pop. he knows his shoulders have gotten broader and he’s tall and people _look_ at him the way he wants to be looked at. and sometimes it hurts, to be noticed so much, makes his breath shallow in his chest, even makes his skin itch. but it’s what he wants most. it’s always been this ugly seed inside of him, because he was baby faced and sweet; he’s polite, says please and thank you and over apologizes, but it’s what he _wants_ — that shows the type of person he is.

it takes ten long deep breaths, nerves shaking in his fingertips as he walks across the room; he’s been watching niall talk and laugh to the crowd, a beer in his hand and the other stuffed into his trouser pocket. ten more deep breaths to open his mouth to say, “uh hi. i’m shawn.” 

all charm out the window.

  
niall turns to him, his chin covered with an attractive smattering of beard is the first thing he notices, of all things. he’s broad in the shoulders, but narrows down in the hips and the vest that he performed in showcases that. shawn forgets to breathe again. his cheeks feel flushed and jeez, god, fuck, he’s thirteen years old all over again. niall smiles, not noticing shawn’s breakdown and says, “mendes! first time proper meeting ya, though you’re all over radio!” he holds out a hand, warmed from a pocket.

  
“yeah, uh, thanks. i’m a really big fan of yours ever since the x-factor. you guys were kind of my heroes, you know?”

niall laughs. “aw, thanks. that’s sweet.”

  
“your performance was great, by the way,” he says, trying to recover from an embarrassing moment of fanboying.

  
“yours too! it was so sick seeing you with that guitar and the light up stage. crazy. you stayin’ for the afterparty?”

shawn laughs, a little strained. “no. i have to be up early tomorrow for work.” and niall nods, understandingly. he finishes the rest of his half-full glass of beer in one gulp and shawn watches him, mesmerized by the tilt of his head and his throat.

  
“we should jam together. i really like your stuff.”

  
“that sounds great, actually.”

somehow that means now. they end up at niall’s hotel room, still in their suits with their guitars on their knees. niall’s the one who suggests filming it and putting it up on social media. _“will make the fans go nuts.”_

they spend hours with their knees touching. the simplest thing, bone to bone with shawn squirming in his seat for more, more, more. the drunker shawn gets, the looser he gets with his hands; but he’s being good. he is. he has his guitar and he uses it like a shield against himself being too much. they talk about things. _weather in ireland is shit. i prefer LA any day._ and _yeah, i have one little sister._ it’s this tangible thing, niall’s eyes squinting behind his glasses, his cheeks getting pinker the more he drinks. he laughs with his whole body and there’s this carelessness that shawn envies with him. like he doesn’t overthink and overthink and overthink every word. he’s heard rumors about niall. niall must have heard rumors about him too, he hopes, otherwise every casual touch to his knee won’t be for nothing.

  
“guess i ruined your chance of going to bed early,” niall says with a soft smile, rubbing at his eyes. shawn had honestly forgotten he has press tomorrow, so he just lets out a laugh and shrugs.

“you’re not the first person to do that,” he says with a sigh and then niall’s eyes sparkle while shawn goes horribly red; it’s the catholic parts of him that feel the shame.

“oh, well, rumors about you are true, then.”

“oh come on, i didn’t mean it that way,” shawn flushes even more.

“sure, you didn’t,” niall teases, but doesn’t continue past that and shawn’s grateful. “fuck, it is late, though. i’ll get out of your hair,” he says, checking his phone one more time. shawn catches 5:23 am with a wince. “we should do this again, shawnie,” niall says through a small yawn that has shawn yawning back.

“yes, please. definitely! i’d love to,” he ushers out a little too quickly.

—————

after being official friends with niall horan for a few months, it’s obvious that shawn’s infatuation is not just infatuation, but an agonizing crush that leaves his chest feeling achey and sore for days and days after. their hanging out more or less goes the same. they start off with a jam session that goes into a lunch date of sorts, because one of them will get hungry. shawn’s hands itch to grab his thighs the whole time and niall will tilt his mouth into a little knowing smirk.

he’ll let their hands touch — niall has a habit of squeezing his shoulder and it’ll linger for hours after. and then nothing happens. niall goes home. or shawn has to leave. or they’ll both pass out on the couch with a respectable, christian-approved distance between them.not only is he infatuated with niall, but he also desperately wishes he was more like him. niall doesn’t let anything bother him too badly, nothing gets him down. sometimes he’ll get a little moody, but after a day of relaxing by himself watching golf all day, he’s usually back to his usual self. shawn thinks maybe part of the reason why he’s so enamored by niall is that he’s jealous of the fact that niall doesn’t worry; shawn worries about everything — because he has to be perfect. he thinks about every note, every lyric, getting things wrong, singing off pitch, not being fit enough, not being good enough for his fans, not being a good son, not being straight. especially that last one.

he remembers his first kiss, almost too thoroughly. her name was annie and she was shawn’s friend and biology partner before she became his first kiss. she had a crush on him, sent him an anonymous candygram during valentine’s day that he carefully and purposefully mistook for someone else’s handwriting, even though she wrote her q’s extra curly, and finally confessed her feelings to him two days before the end of seventh grade.

she said, “i like you a lot, shawn. as more than a friend.” she’d looked him straight in the eye and shawn remembers how he couldn’t look away from her hazel eyes because he was frozen. she was really cute. down to earth and all, but he didn’t feel anything more than a pressure in his chest, the mortification of letting her down, so he said, “i like you too.” they were waiting for the bus and the fumes were getting to his head. there were other kids around too and annie just leaned in and kissed him. he didn’t really kiss back, just let her kiss him and kept thinking he should like this, right? but her mouth on his mouth felt weird and he kept thinking about the nape of anthony’s neck and how it looked right after he got it shaved.

coming to terms with his sexuality hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world. he finally downloaded grindr only last year and only stopped feeling so ashamed touching his cock to the thought of him blowing a stranger in a public bathroom recently. his therapist tells him all the time it’s normal to feel shame at first, because of where he grew up. he just has to learn how to move past it.

  
that’s what he tells niall too, about his therapy session while he’s drunk off whiskey that burns his entire throat on the way down. “i don’t know if i’m supposed to be telling you this,” shawn slurs.

“why not? i think it’s just your therapist who’s not supposed to talk about your sessions to other people, not the other way around.”

  
“i guess you’re right. i just don’t want to be depressing. we’re supposed to be hanging out.”

  
“we’re still hanging out,” niall says, tilting his head to the side so it knocks against shawn’s ear. only their shoulders and their heads are touching, otherwise they’re sprawled away from each other, slumped on niall’s deep-set couch.

  
“i don’t mind listening to this stuff, trust me shawnie. you wouldn’t believe the shit i’ve had to hear from the other boys, jesus christ. surprised we didn’t all end up in rehab at some point.”

“how is zayn?” he asks, a little quieter.

niall sighs. “seems fine, i guess. haven’t talked to him in ages. ‘sides, we’re talking about you. i really don’t mind it. just makes me feel like i know you better. what you’re thinking about in that big head of yours,” niall says with a grin.

shawn giggles, just a little. “so much stuff. too much, all the time?” he sits up with a heavy whiskey sigh. niall just nods and shawn chances glancing over at him. his beard is in again and he smells good — best thing he’s ever smelled, like a light cologne and a little bit of his spearmint gum he was chewing earlier. his eyes are electric blue with lantern light yellow around the ring and shawn can’t really look away from him.

“shit, i have heartburn,” niall says, rubbing at his chest, his shirt twisting. shawn looks down in time to see his chest hair shifting attractively and it shoots straight to his dick. shawn licks his lips.

“do you want water?”

“no, i want an iron stomach.”

“i’ll get you water,” shawn says, pushing himself off of niall’s knee, even though he doesn’t need to. he goes into the kitchen, wobbling a little because he’s drunker than he thought he was. he grabs two glasses, tap water with no ice for himself and water that’s ice cold from a brita filter for niall, because he’s kind of prissy about it. he comes back over and niall thanks him, still rubbing his chest.

“are you okay?” shawn says, taking a seat, actually feeling concerned because niall burps quietly and winces in pain.

“i’ll be alright. so, you with anyone right now?”

“no,” he balks, blinking rapidly. niall laughs at his expression and downs his whole cup of water in one go again.

“well, why not? it’s good, right? exposure therapy?”

“i’m a little busy. you know how it is.”

“yeah, but there’s ways, shawnie,” niall says, sitting back, his ankle over his knee to expose his fun-patterned socks. they’re forest green with yellow lightning bolts down them. shawn shakes his head again.

“i downloaded grindr last year and i’ve only opened it a handful of times.” niall laughs at that, taking out his phone, scrolling through a few boxes before he gets to the apps no one else is supposed to see.

“it’s mostly unsolicited dick pics, but that’s the good part about it. cut the chase. it’s not like i’ve got loads of time on my hands to pull a fit lad,” niall says, scrolling absently. shawn nods, catching himself staring at niall’s lips as he talks. he’s too drunk.

“you could pull anyone you wanted, i bet,” niall says, glancing up at him. shawn snorts a little, shaking his head. he leans back, to the safe end of the couch. it’s all empty air. that’s what he’s full of, empty air that anyone can pop at any time.

“i mean, i guess. but how can i trust them to not leak it to the press? even with NDA’s and all of that. i’m not ready and i’m… i know what i look like now, but i don’t feel like how i look, you know? it feels fake. like i’ll wake up and it’ll be a cinderella thing and i’ll be back to scrawny, chubby faced shawn with no friends back in canada.”

“i’ve seen how much you can lift, you’re not gonna wake up from that,” niall says with a small laugh. “i get feeling like the odd one out. and it can be risky using these apps. i prefer to meet people in person, cause i hate technology.”

“i know, grandpa niall.”

“do you know that’s what fans have started calling me?”

“it’s cause you wear that cabbie hat.” _and i still want to — _

“i take offense to that,” niall says, his grin spreading wide enough that it makes his jaw go lopsided, just the slightest bit. it goes quiet for a moment while shawn watches niall adjust the top of his sock. his fingernails are cut short and neat and he has an interesting callous on his middle finger from golfing. “we could, you know.”

“what?” shawn says, feeling like he’s missed part of the sentence because he was thinking about niall’s hands.

“we could…,” niall clicks his tongue on the side of his cheek and points back toward his bedroom. there’s this glint in his eye, a wiley smile to accompany it and it makes shawn’s stomach flip.

“i don’t know,” he says, because this has to be a dream. shawn’s had too much to drink, or smoked too many joints and he doesn’t know reality from whatever this is.

niall actually clears his throat, nodding, his smile dropping. “okay, no worries. sorry, didn’t mean to make things awkward.”

“no, you — it’s not,” shawn says, shaking his head.

“i should get going. i’ve got a golf thing tomorrow morning with a few of the lads,” niall says, which is unlike him to leave when he’s usually the one draw their nights out into dawn.

“are you sure?” he squeaks out, feeling his body tilting toward niall, suspended there. they’re so close, their knees knock together. he reaches out and grapples at niall’s thigh, anchoring him in place.

“i— i didn’t mean to make things weird. it’s just. i can’t tell if you’re joking or…”

“wouldn’t joke about that, shawnie.” niall comes closer, his hands cupping the back of his neck to pull him closer until their foreheads knock together. “been thinking about your hands since i met you,” he says, the warmth of his breath washing over him. shawn licks his lips, holding off an embarrassing whimper that’s trying to escape his throat. niall’s fingers steady on the base of his skull and shawn closes the gap between them, kissing him. he inhales sharply through his nose and concentrates on the feeling of stubble scraping wonderfully against his chin. niall’s lips are soft and he takes the lead, licking into shawn’s mouth until he’s moaning. his chest heaves as he inhales quickly, trying to lick back, tasting the touches of the beer he’d been sipping.

“put your hands on me,” niall says in between kisses and shawn does, fitting his hands along his shoulders and slides down, touching him feverishly; his hands slip up niall’s tank top and he touches his chest roughly, groaning at the hair there that he’d wanted to lick all night. shawn’s hands are big and they span over the niall’s slimmer waist. he grips him harder.

“bed,” shawn says, his eyes opening for the first time, seeing the flush on niall’s cheeks and how his lips are as red as his own feel. niall grins at him, triumphant and they shuffle out of the living room. shawn pauses, considering taking his top off before he just does it, yanking it off in one go. niall turns on his heel, stopping by the door frame to watch.

“jesus christ, you’re killing me,” he groans, his hand reaching out to grip shawn by the belt loops to pull him in. shawn goes easily, swaying closer and grips the door frame to catch himself from taking them both down while he bends down for another heated kiss.

they make out for too long there, grinding on each other until shawn’s cock feels raw against the seam of his jeans. niall leads them back, tugging off his own shirt and shucking his pants. he’s gorgeous, thick thighs and the promise of his pubes peeking out from his underwear. shawn swallows and takes off his jeans, finally freeing his cock. he’d gone commando and he can feel niall staring at him, taking him in just as hungry. he comes up, feeling niall impatiently tug on his wrist before he lets go to get a hand around him. shawn shudders instinctively, letting out a breathless moan, his cock sensitive and leaking. niall doesn’t go slow, strokes him off hard and fast, twisting just right so that it makes shawn fuck into it, his eyes closing and panting.

“if you keep doing that i’m gonna come,” shawn manages to mutter.

“that’s sort of the point, shawnie.”

“no i want —,” he takes niall’s hand off and pins him to the bed, biting his lip when niall’s blown out eyes go wider. “i want you to fuck me,” he says, proud his voice doesn’t crack when he says it. it’s scratchy and a little soft and it still feels too hot in this room.

“okay, not gonna say not to that,” niall says, tugging him so shawn’s underneath. he resettles on the pile of pillows and niall kisses him again, his hand stroking his hip.

“I have lube, it’s here,” he says, crawling up the bed so he can reach inside of his drawer and grab the bottle pump. niall slicks himself up, being generous with it, much more than shawn’s used to. he likes the burn of it, but it’s nice and thoughtful and just makes the sharp feeling in his belly tighten when he thinks about it too much. niall’s fingers are deft and a little rough, even through the lube. they’re a nice blunt pressure as he sinks into him. shawn’s thighs shake when he adds a second and a third.

“christ, you’re tight.” shawn licks his lips.

“do you — do you mind leaving him out of it? _oh fuck_ that feels good,” he says, fucking back onto his fingers, trying to take all of it, more and more. niall’s fingers glance along his prostate and he moans, mouth dropping open, so wanton for it. his mouth feels kissed and sore and he tilts his head back, letting niall suck a bruise on the delicate skin underneath his jawline.

  
niall pulls back, eyes dark and shawn finally opens his eyes to stare up at him. “condom?” he says, running a hand through his sweat-slick hair with his clean hand. he doesn’t wait for shawn to stop panting enough to reply, just leans over him him to the half-open drawer to grab it himself and that’s just fine, because shawn doesn’t think he has the brain power to move right now. his hand settles on niall’s ribcage when he comes back, ripping it open with his teeth.

it goes faster from there, niall slips the condom on and then his cockhead’s there and shawn lifts his knees up— legs feel heavy and awkward as his toes curling against the bedsheets when niall pushes in. they both groan at the same time and shawn’s eyes close again, trying to feel it all so he doesn’t miss a thing. “oh, fuck,” he hisses, his hole throbbing in pain when niall shifts his cock and fucks in and he feels so full. he can hear his heartbeat too loud and niall holding in a groan when he leans his face away to shift his hips.

  
“god, you’re gonna make me come like i’m fifteen years old if you don’t loosen up, mate,” niall says and shawn lets out this hysterical laugh.

  
“i’m sorry. fuck, feels good,” he says, opening his eyes. he cups niall’s face, sweeping his hair back again and kisses him, their tongues slick together. shawn rocks back on his cock tentatively, gasping when it hits his spot, his cock twitching violently against his belly. “move,” he says, desperate for it now. niall hitches up his thigh up and fucks in, glancing down between their bodies, the dirty way his hole must look stretched out from his cock.

niall fucks him like that, circling his hips and punching in tight, quick thrusts that makes him see stars behind his eyelids. niall’s losing steam and shawn knows he’s getting into that slutty desperation, chasing after how good it feels. he rolls them over and gets on top and grins down at niall, who looks surprised. shawn curls his fingers against his chest hair and rubs back on his cock, just along the crease of his ass as he reaches back to hold him steady. shawn lifts up and holds his breath when he sinks down, thighs shaking as he takes it all the way, so much deeper now. he clenches and unclenches and niall’s hands grapple weakly at his hips. shawn rolls back, taking him deeper before he lifts up and bounces once, an embarrassing moan escaping. he does it again and again until he’s built up a rhythm and niall can’t even fuck back, just lets shawn have control over it. “fuck, fuck, fuck,” he chants.

niall’s fists his cock and his hips stutter, whining when it’s almost too much, the pain-pleasure of fucking back on his dick and back into his fist like an override switch. niall strokes him in time, his eyes locked on it and shawn leans back, showing off now, showing niall how good he can be. he bounces once, twice, hips pistoning until he comes with a shout, his load spurting up his stomach and chest and niall yanks him down by the back of the neck to kiss him, rolling him back over. niall fucks him harder, until shawn’s sobbing, overwhelmed. he pulls out and yanks the condom off, stripping his cock, grunting as he fucks up against the mess that’s on his chest.

  
“yeah, do it, fuck, make me dirty,” shawn rushes out, eyes wild as he watches. niall’s jaw drops as he comes hard, spilling all over him, down his knuckles. they stare at each other for a moment, panting until niall collapses, rolling at the last second to stare up at the ceiling.

“fuck me,” niall chuckles.

“maybe next time,” shawn replies, laughing too, feeling light in his chest for the first time in a long time.

“been wanting to do that since the ama’s and your hands were all over me.”“me too,” he says, biting his lip, not saying i could go again.

“i could go again. if you give me a gatorade and fifteen minutes,” niall says, turning to look at him and it just makes shawn laugh, eyes crinkled.

“i was gonna say the same thing. but i thought you might think it’d be too much.”

“too much?” niall says, cocking his head. he sits up, fingers trailing through the mess on shawn’s stomach. “that’s not possible. you’re the hottest person i’m ever gonna shag. dead serious.”  
that should make him feel better, but he pauses a little too long.

“okay,” he says, quietly. niall glances over to him, fingers stopping to cup the side of his hip.

“did i say something wrong?”

“no,” he lies, glad that he’s sweaty from sex because he has a bad tell where his cheeks go ruddy from a lie.

“shawn,” niall says, quiet and serious. “you know that i didn’t just do that to — that i don’t typically do that. i don’t go around shagging people without… i like you. i wouldn’t have made a move on you if i didn’t, because it’s nerve-wrackin’ for me, admitting things like that,” his jaw clenches and twitches and shawn lets out a small smile, because he knows now that twitch means niall’s nervous and he means it.

he wets his lips before ducking in to give niall a shy kiss on the corner of his mouth, hope building in his chest. “i like you too. a lot.”

  
“good,” niall says back, kissing him and kissing him and kissing him.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me at silverfoxlouis.tumblr.com


End file.
